ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
