so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
