I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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