Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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