this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
