Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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