i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
