We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
