Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
