we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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