Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
