So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can't turn off my feet"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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