You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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