omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I woke up under a house in Key West
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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