Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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