If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
