It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
