It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
