Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
