my shit smells like andre
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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