She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
