That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
