You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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