I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
