I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
