me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
