cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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