Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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