I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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