ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
