The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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