based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
