At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
me + whiskey = a bad person
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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