Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
