Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
