If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
