Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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