so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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