3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
