His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
