This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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