ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
