I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
