I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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