i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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