Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
