I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
