Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
