I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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