The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
