your parents love me but you hate me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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