i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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