i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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