get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
