R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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